Triangulation

Triangulation is a common situation where families, organisations, businesses, charities and churches alike get caught into difficult and often heated disagreement. Triangulation can become extremely serious and can easily cause mental health issues, nervous breakdown, burnout, anxiety, depression and anger – to mention a few. These can take years to get over, if at all. Any person in a leadership is vulnerable to getting caught up in a triangulation and they are not on an even or fair playing ground. This is where the worst of behaviours come out! I have put this sheet together to prepare leaders for what might come, and also for those already in trouble.

Caution: We have all done or been caught up in a bit of this nonsense because we simply didn't know any better and grasped onto anything to survive. This does not mean we ourselves are the true Crazy-Makers in the triangle. It will however be projected upon you that way. (Crazy-Makers make otherwise sane people cranky, when in reality it is them).

To get out of or avoid problems in this area a serious up-skill is usually needed. As you read these words note the behaviours that the key people have done. The battle will be done in using the correct key terms to expose the specific behaviours.

Professional assistance might well be needed to work through triangulation and to find ways to challenge the terrible behaviours and dynamics, and also to protect the real victim's mental/emotional health from going into free-fall.

Persecutor or Assumed persecutor?

Some one:

• who really has been unfair, abused or been nasty?

• Or someone with a difficult job to do?

• Have you ever been blamed for not helping someone when they demanded help, or when you

have to say no, or you will have to do this for yourself?

Victim-hood

Firstly, there are real victims and pretend victims and they must not be confused. A real victim is someone who has been bullied, abused or treated unfairly in reality. A pretend-victim is one who thinks they have been a victim when they in reality have not.

Example: A leader, manager, pastor or whoever is one day approached by someone who wants to

discuss an issue, or the leader needs to discuss an issue with someone. It is possibly a very minor issue,

that can be dealt with by any mature person, one to one - no one else involved.

BUT. The Victim:

• An immature person however becomes unhappy with what is said or with the outcome

• because it is not what they wanted, they won't get their own way.

• They hate correction or 'No” and 'feel' humiliated. Note this is just a feeling.

• Just because they felt it, it to them is true. “He / She humiliated me!”, “It was so humiliating!”

• They become upset, and take offence when none wan meant.

• This person becomes ruffled and instead of either accepting what has happened and deciding to

'get over it'.

• They weld or associate feeling uncomfortable with being abused, then cry out “I have been

abused”!

• They are unable to 'let it go' and get on with life. DISAPPOINTMENT is a UBF.

• They stew, lay awake at night and what happened 'amplifies' in their mind. It becomes

something it was not.

• This is self inflicted hurt, because they have taken offence when none was intended.

• In their mind falseness is already festering like an infected wound...

• Nurse it on the pillow, grind teeth, let it grow into a huge offence.

• In their minds they feel persecuted, poor old me, Dramatise, Awfulise, or Catastrophise it.

Tell others “It was Awful”. “You should have heard it!!!” Crutialise. Blow it out of proportion,

exaggerate, overstate...

• They tell themselves over and over again, and actually believe their nonsense – and not much

will shift their opinion.

• In their thinking they start to tell themselves reasons why they were right and why the leader

was wrong.

• In their mind they start to overstate the real events and distort the truth of the situation until

they really believe something 'terrible' has happened, when it has not.

• This is delusional now as there is little or no truth in it.

• The monster-ise the other person in their minds – when they were only doing their job!

• It was just uncomfortable. This person then starts to made themselves a victim in their own

minds, because they just could not face being wrong, or perhaps not getting their own way.

• They 'think' they have been victimised... Enter the Victim-Mindset.

• Some become Professional Victims! On a benefit. Constantly doing official complaints, at the

lawyers.

Pretend-Victims are:

• Often well versed in doing what they do. Expert second guessers, word twisters. Blame shifters.

• They have learned this practice of victim-hood over many years.

• Often in childhood 'playing the victim' got them attention and what they wanted.

• Victims are often perfectionists, critical or themselves and others have to measure up to their

impossibly high standards and are often described as 'control-freaks'.

• They often end up marrying people who will protect them (Rescuers, and people pleasers)

• They buy in to this need to be protected. You might call it a sort of pretend-victim support.

• 'Pretend-Victims' often marry nurses, social workers, lawyers, doctors and other caring

professionals who will supply their needs!

• They draw support, and are examples as they are professional helpers who side with people no

matter what the rights or wrongs of the real situation are.

Collusion with the rescuer.

• When the pretend-victim has taken offence then talks to the wrong person (or people). Rather

than going back to the perceived persecutor.

• Matthew 18.15f 15 “If your brother or sister[b] sins,[c] go and point out their fault, just between

the two of you. If they listen to you, you have won them over. 16 But if they will not listen, take

one or two others along, so that ‘every matter may be established by the testimony of two or

three witnesses.’[d] 17 If they still refuse to listen, tell it to the church; and if they refuse to

listen even to the church, treat them as you would a pagan or a tax collector”.

• They choose a person who is usually sympathetic, or does not particularly like or fully support

the supposed offender / leader.

• They seem to be someone who you can take your issues to and you know they will

enthusiastically listen and side with you.

• They won't ask difficult questions like. What was your part? How did you contribute to this?

Lets go and see them ans let them have their say. Etc. The rescuer will not front them with their

nonsense.

• The victim tells the story of 'what was supposed to have happened' or been said, but with the

amplifications and self justifications in their mind they now choose highly loaded words. As

the second person sympathies with them and believes all that is said without challenge.

• The truth of the matter is not on the agenda here.

• The second person becomes what is called a 'Rescuer' and between them they chew over and

create 'in their minds' an evil monster of the leader.

• This person is called the persecutor.

• The supposed pain and hurt is awful-ised and is of course not at all in the realms of reality any

longer.

• They gladly explore the imaginations of their minds and dream up a huge case against the

leader / other person.

• The leader suddenly is supposed to have 'bullied me', "he really was horrible, how could he?",

"he is so black and white", "he is so narrow thinking", "it was really awful" and so on and so on.

• Next comes labelling. The leader is homophobic, gay-basher, a woman hater, a radical, misogynist, misandrist, totally unsuitable to be in their role. All Truth was exchanged for lies a long time ago.

Enter others – the group!

• This fabricated thinking is ripe material for gossip and the victim and rescuer then continue to

'radiate' or 'project' their dreamed up hurts (now venom) onto other people

• It spreads like wildfire to any ear that is open to a breeding ground in the minds of the hearers.

• Very quickly a whole organisation, social group or church can be infected.

Michael Wise ~ Wisdom Counselling ~ +64 (0)273408325 ~ www.wisdomcounselling.co.nz

OK, so far we have seen the 'victim' and the 'rescuer' at work. An interesting thing is that very often the dynamics are even more complicated.

• Depending who is the speaker and listener, depends of someone is a victim or rescuer.

• A person can be both victim or rescuer, depending on who is the audience.

• The original rescuer suddenly becomes a pretend-victim themselves!

• Industry saying: A rescuer can make a great Victim too.

Knight in Shining Armour!

The next dynamic is that the 'the knight in shining armour' is called in.

• This person is a senior manager, the boss trouble-shooter, denominational person, apostle, bishop, etc.

• If this person has the right training, is mature enough quickly see what is happening and will tackle the real issue, which is the 'supposed' victim and rescuer mindsets in these naughty people.

Unfortunately for various reasons this rarely happens:-

1. Only a few people in authority have the training or are equipped to deal with these issues.

2. Often these people have the same internal issues as victims and rescuers do and will collude with the rescuers and pretend victims!

3. There is a dynamic that the first story heard is the one believed, and so the original 'victim' is heard and believed at face value, the group back this up as factual, and the apostle is duped into a false belief also.

4. The Knight then colludes with the body they hear first!!!

5. Sometimes there is no willingness to dig into the real issues, it is easier to get rid on the one leader and to keep the group happy than to risk more trouble than they want to handle. This is a sure way of having issues perpetuate themselves in the future! History is bound to repeat itself!

The victims and rescuers become more entrenched because they think they were right in what they did and 'won'!!!

6. Because knights and the like are often busy, stressed and under financial constraints from their company /denomination (the time to face the real issues would cost too much) they take, what they think, is the best (easiest) option. They feel pressed to come up with the easy answer, and maintain happiness of the group – and so justice is not their agenda!!!

7. So, the knight / apostle bows to the pressure, and collaborates with the wrong people and the original leader is as good as history!

- Who is the real Victim and who is the real Persecutor?

– What of the rescuer / worker? We want to be a helper and show empathy, but without becoming a rescuer...

More on 'the victim mindset'

A childish mindset does not get it's own way they go into a self pity mindset, 'I've been hurt' mode.

They are not only being dishonest with themselves, they are driving themselves into an unbalanced emotional and mental future. They are not able to be honest with themselves, are blame shifters and are unable to accept responsibility for their own thoughts, words and actions. They are never wrong!!! (Narcissistic) They easily gossip 'confidential' information radiate out dishonest loaded statements in the hope to sway and recruit other peoples minds to their own way of thinking. They are insecure and often are desperate for people to like them. This is why they get people to side with them and they are absolutely allergic to any form of correction. They surround themselves with other weak minded people, because they are less likely to challenge them or try to correct them. If they do, they are soon history. Living them is hard! They want to destroy those who oppose them to prove themselves right.

It is their self means of self-preservation. Being honest with themselves in these matters is absolutely unbearable.

If you are around a victim, you will always be walking on very thin ice! People express anger in two main ways. One is to blow up and the other is to hold it in. Inner anger if often worse as it prompts revengeful thinking, resentment and the like. 'Supposed' hurts and misdeeds are not forgotten, but fester along with ways to seek revenge. You will be punished at some stage, in some way and when the opportunity is right.

A victim has little genuine love or compassion. The focus is on themselves. They are quick to have many reasons why 'you have got yourself' in to such-and-such a mess. Victims have not grown up and do not take responsibility for their own actions or words, and are nearly impossible to confront. They are extremely sensitive and people treat them with much respect, as to cross them brings on immediate or delayed retaliation - again, inner seething that festers until the opportunity to get revenge arises.

Pretend Victims are cowardly, and they use other people to protect them (rescuers) and do their dirty work for them. They often keep very quiet in meetings and use other rescuers to protect and guard them.

The Rescuer

Victims and Rescuers feed on each other to satisfy their emotional needs. They become co- dependant upon each other, soul-mates feeding on the shared bruises. Rescuers step in and rescue victims, when the victim should be facing a situation for themselves. When they side with a victim they 'feel in themselves' the false radiated hurt of the victim and step in to save them. They cannot bear to see others hurting (valid or pretend-hurt).

Other sheets:

• The Victim Mindset

• The Rescuer

• How to live with the Crazy-Maker

• Negotiation Skills

• Assertiveness

• Empowering Questions