Relationship Reality Checkup

How do relationships work? Who is in charge of what? For any relationship to work well, a 'Balance of Power' is needed, along with a set of adult attitudes and behaviours. Attempting to exert control by issuing commands, shouting, and expecting compliance without discussion and agreement will only lead to further ruptures. Repairing a relationship involves approaching things differently before it's too late. Evaluate your own nature using this guide to see how you're doing. Remember, character is never fixed, and change can be achieved – but only by those willing to engage in personal change and maturity and grow up.

The Child or Self-Centred Nature:

Behaviours that often require apologies (when challenged or not). While we all engage in some of these behaviours at times, maturing means reducing them. The following are likely to inflame, rather than bring peace in a relationship.

• Reacting negatively when asked for an apology.

• Failing to listen to complaints and responding with counter-complaints.

• Interrupting (a discourteous behaviour).

• Shifting blame. Not admitting one's own mistakes, but pointing fingers at others (the person speaking to you, parents, friends, government, God, Satan, evil spirits, etc.). They're quick to highlight others' faults but avoid addressing their own.

• Being thin-skinned, sensitive, fragile, easily triggered, and emotional. People who quickly become upset or use their temper are not fostering meaningful connections. They utilize mood swings and projection to control situations, often disregarding others' needs.

• Labelling. Name-calling and projecting labels are unhealthy behaviours. It's better to 'accurately describe poor behaviours' instead. For example, saying, “You're raising your voice,” “You're interrupting,” “You're distorting my words,” etc. Someone receiving a label is likely to react poorly, unless they are aware of it.

• Shouting. Using anger to avoid listening and accepting any truth or part-truth being expressed.

• Distorting or twisting words. Not genuinely listening to what was said, but taking offence and escalating the situation with inflamed language.

• Using children by limiting reasonable (and legal) access or manipulating them to create hostility toward one parent based on lies or exaggerations.

The Adult: Who will take on the role of the Adult? Who will be the bigger person?

• An adult mindset responds rather than reacting negatively. Adult responses and actions nurture positive relationships with other mature individuals. If only one person exhibits negative attitudes and behaviours, maintaining a healthy relationship with them can be challenging or even impossible.

• Listens attentively and reflects on what's being said and conveyed.

• Can accept the truth and take responsibility when spoken to, own up, embracing feedback for positive change.

• Can humble themselves. For this a 'reverse gear' is needed, and they can allow themselves to feel guilty, ashamed or humiliated, without the need to justify their hurtful behaviours.

• Can apologize. A meaningful apology includes: a) sincerity in words and body language, A sincere verbal apology b) expressing regret for the specific wrong(s) committed, c) commitment to not repeat the behaviour, and d) acknowledging how hurtful their actions were, and how they felt. d) to not demand or even expect any apology from the other party. This is nice of course and will improve a relationship, but don't expect it.

• Demonstrates gentleness and kindness consistently. (Those with a Christian background may recognize this as the Fruit of the Spirit or a Godly nature.)

Human nature needs to be nurtured, disciplined, and held accountable

from birth to protect us from our own selfish tendencies. - Michael Wise

Michael Wise - Wisdom Counselling - 027 340 8325 - www.wisdomcounselling.co.nz - 2023