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When first 'in-love' the mind can abandon sensible consideration of who one is getting involved with! Some texts call it a period of temporary insanity, or being out of one's mind, but in street language it is called 'falling in love'. This is also called infatuation, or thrall (enthralled, a person who is in bondage; slave, or hostage to their or other's beliefs), or mentally enslaved by 'love', love-sick, or love blindness. At this time it is all too easy to extinguish one's internal alarm bells. Telltale signs that warn of there being something wrong are ignored. This is to become a victim to one's own over-optimism. A person 'in-love' can be living in multiple delusions regarding their new found partner, and in complete denial regarding their actual suitability.
Don't see this as all negative, there are good and suitable partners to be found, but remember this who you choose will be one of, if not the biggest decisions you will ever make – and the consequences could be life long.
Love is not enough for a good relationship, or at least what is called love. Behaviours and Attitudes are of penultimate importance. Have you ever thought it through? What IS Love? Is it just a warm emotion? Or could it be better described in terms of behaviour?
After this initial phase of infatuation is over, (the honeymoon period) reality kicks in and only then it can be seen if it is genuine love. Genuine love is more about how a couple interact and behave towards each other than about emotional attachment. If there is tenderness, healthy communication and respectful behaviour, then it will feel like a safe and secure relationship.
Genuine love then comes from: a) Feeling deeply heard and understood, b) Feeling respected, even for one's different opinions, c) Feeling deeply cared for, and d)Feeling of great value. When we feel these things we will feel genuinely loved. This constitutes taking time to enter each other's worlds and care for each other. Is there love, goodness, kindness and gentleness?
The following list is designed to bring one's mind back down to earth (reality) so it can assess whether this person is yet suitable and ready for a lasting and secure relationship:
What do friends and family think of this person. Are their warning bells ringing? Take notice and acknowledge the truth here as you might be in denial (blinded by infatuation!).
• When meeting someone new, everyone person wears masks, and are not being their normal selves. This is being 'on best behaviour' and is to impress and look good. While this is to some extent normal, you will never know a person until we have 'seen their other side'. Before trusting a person wait until after the initial phase, and until you have seen them under pressure. How did they respond to 'No', see what their re-action is like. This will indicate what their inner person – their true character is like, and that is what you need to carefully observe. Beware, even abusive and 'difficult' people can flirt well at first, and use flattery, persuasion and promises to get their way!
• Never 'fall head over heels' in love and trust or commit too early. Time is needed to really get to know this person. What is the rush?
• The majority of marriages / relationships fail for the following two reasons: a) Someone is not listening, and b) Un-mastered Unbearable-feelings being reacted to. There are many other reasons, but these two score extremely highly. (Unbearable feelings such as being allergic to disappointment, “No”, or feeling powerless, or owning up due to feeling guilty...).
• Do they listen? I mean really listen deeply, and do you feel understood and heard and respected? All new potential partners do this well, but what are they like after a while, when you get to know them? Are they good listeners even when you are troubled, or emotional, or do they avoid you at these times? A person can want your body, or your cooking or what you supply in the way of their needs being met, but have become uninterested in your mind or you as a person, and your needs.
• We never really know a person until we know their feelings and moods and can name them, especially the ones they react badly to. Are you both emotionally literate?
• Who is the first one to take offence, or to take things too personally? Who 'draws their sword first'? This is the one who will most likely be the trouble one in the future.
• Have you had an argument yet? ◦ How did they react?
◦ How quickly did they want to repair the rupture, or did they stay angry or go quiet for a long time? Even good relationships have conflict, but a good sign is how quickly issues can be discussed in their adult minds and resolved.
◦ Are there any subjects you dare not bring up?, or are they swept under the carpet? Why?
◦ Did they own up to their own behaviour without justifying themselves or blaming you?
◦ Did they just want to say sorry? Or did they show genuine regret / remorse for what happened?
◦ Are they interested in earning back your trust and maintaining it? If anyone is not interested in earning your trust, then they are not worthy of being trusted.
◦ Did they vow not to repeat it? Did you both agree how to tackle it differently in future? Did they care how they hurt you? Acknowledge your feelings, how it felt for you?
◦ Remember, Opposites can attract because one secretly admires that difference in them, but this very thing can become a problem later! This can work, but be aware of it...
◦ How do they treat their parents and others? This is how they could end up treating you!
◦ Are you a people pleaser? Like to keep people happy? You are in danger of meeting a self- centred person who needs to be pleased. Is this what you want to become?
Boundary examples: (Do it gently but firmly...)
◦ “Please don't raise your voice at me'. 'You may not do that / touch me like that / speak to me like that, I do not allow that”. Now note their reaction, is it respectful and honouring your boundary?
◦ “If you don't respect the boundary I just set, we might not last very long at all ...”. A warning.
◦ If they do not listen to your boundary setting, tell the consequence of not taking you seriously.
• Christian or not, these are the fruit of a good / godly person: Galatians 5:22-23 'But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control.' So, is this person loving?, Peaceful (peace seeking)?, Patient, Kind, have Goodness, Faithful?, Gentle? and Self-controlled? OK, we are not all perfect, but watch out especially if there are signs of the opposite – trouble is coming! In which direction are they going, up or down in this respect?
• There is no one 'right person' out there (This is a non-scriptural fallacy). There are some suitable ones and many unsuitable ones. Who one gets attached to is a huge decision and the consequences are far reaching. You are given a brain to assess, check out and choose for yourself.
• Remember, all the time you spend with the wrong person but are too afraid to send them away, or face loneliness again – is time wasted in looking for a suitable person. Believe in yourself.
• Set your dignity level, your standards, and ensure a man comes up to them, or be deemed to be pulled down to their level. What are your standards? Have you defined them yet?
Lastly, did you find any of your own weaknesses in these words, or did you think they were entirely for other people?! If so, you may be the one in need of a good up-skill so that you become safe in a relationship. Also remember, you are in control of who you meet and team up with, not others. Be in control, but not a control-freak . If you have had your trust betrayed in the past, you may find trust an issue. Trust and who to trust is another subject and you may need help up-skilling in that area too. Consider seeking help / give me a call. An up-skill now can save years of psychological pain. Most relationship skills have to be learned (at some time), and do not come automatically. An up-skill is so worth it...
So, what will your perfect partner be doing this weekend? In the pub, hooning? Tramping, in a library, helping out? What they are doing will tell you a lot about them...
All success to you, and remember "It's the ones you reject that will get you the best"!
© 2014 Michael Wise, Rangiora www.wisdomcounseling.co.nz Acknowledgements also to David Riddell, Nelson, New Zealand
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