Setting Boundaries

It is vital to be able to set boundaries around other people's bad behaviour. This is a vital life-skill, and without it you will be vulnerable to others disrespectful boundary crossing, and will get hurt. If you do not learn this skill, they may never be aware, or know when the boundary is crossed, and you cannot blame them if you do not set the boundaries clearly.

The personal issue is why have you not already done this? There are  reasons. 1. An unawareness of what boundaries are,  2. Inability to SPOT AND NAME the BEHAVIOUR that is not working for you, and 3. The feeling that hits you when you do set a boundary. This latter one is especially the challenge for the people-pleaser who is afraid of 'their' reaction to having a boundary set. This fear must be overcome, and help may be needed to do this.

If you do not learn and use this skill, and give in to peoples bad behaviour, then expect nothing to change and expect more of the same. Remember, the bully will have no victim when the victims refuse to be victims any longer. All the time you are vulnerable you are prey, so stop being vulnerable!

This is a powerful way to set boundaries:

1. Learn to spot and name the bad / unacceptable behaviour that needs a boundary.

2. Say the behaviour name that you are not accepting any longer and why.

3. Set the boundary with a Boundary Statement OR by asking an Empowering Question

4. With any reasonable person this should be enough for them to apologise and respect what you just said. For a 'difficult person', this next step will be needed. Tell them of the

consequence of what will happen if they continue to disrespect you with their unacceptable behaviour, and it it still continues let the consequences kick in.

This setting of the boundary can be done in three levels. If one level is ignored, move to the next level:

a) Firstly by using a warning. A gentle but firm pushback to set the boundary.

b) Next by repeating the warning and pointing out the consequence of their continuing.

c) Finally letting the consequence take action.

There is no need to get angry, or scream or get violent yourself. It is better by far to do this boundary setting by 'telling the truth in love'. In Living Wisdom Manual, section 3.13B, is a similar tool called BGESC: On this sheet are 19 unacceptable behaviour examples that need firm boundaries to stop you going cranky!

• Brief. Be brief. Just one or two sentences is quite enough. Do not go on for more that a few seconds, it will not help.

• Gentle. It is ok to be firm, but no need for more.

• Early. Do not let their behaviour go on for very long. The earlier the better.

• Specific. This refers to naming the behaviour as described above. Do not label them / call them names or generalise – be very specific (examples below)

• Consequences. Set out very clearly what will happen is they do not back off / apologise etc. 

Note. In the case of abusiveness, or bullying – they can usually only get away with it when their victim is isolated. The answer to this therefore is to not become isolated with them, but to expose them to people who will take your complaint seriously. The abusive and bullies always need exposing, because they can not get away with it then.

OK, that is the theory – now down to practice:

Naming the Behaviour.

This is about what is happening in front of your eyes, in the here and now. What are they doing that is offensive or disrespectful to you? This can be physical actions or verbal. In the Living Wisdom Manual, pages on Survival Kits (3.12) and Keeping Safe Around he Crazy Maker (3.13) detail at least 54 different behaviours (survival kits) that all need boundaries. What follows is a list of some Behaviours.

• Interrupting

• Raising voice / angry / grumpy / moodiness

• Threatening

• Touching / pushing / getting violent

• Thin Skinned / easily offended / draw their sword quickly

• Not listening / automatic tune out / won't hear a complaint / being verbose

• Allergic to restrictions and boundaries(!)

• Don't not keep promises / uncommitted / avoid being responsible

• Will not negotiate / got to have it all their way

• Agreements that were made were pretend ones and now they are in denial, being difficult to

pin down to the previous agreements. (Get agreements in writing with unreliable people. For

example after a meeting email them “Just to confirm that this is what we discussed and

agreed …..............................<Precise detail here>. If you disagree with any of this, I need to

know straight away. This will avoid pretend agreements).

• Control by isolation of host

• Constant blame shifting and pretending being the victim

• Defensiveness / not listening to a genuine complaint.

• Turning any comment back on you “Well, you …..” - not sticking to the point, but turning

onto the person – making it personal.

• Bringing up the past to put you down. Not having forgiven.

• Selfish, un-empathic, not caring

• Avoidance / Escaping the issue being discussed / running away

• Being extreme / all or nothing talk

• Being childish (but be specific...)

• Taking offence

• Sarcasm / belittling / minimising your need to express yourself

• Mind-games – twisting your words to mean something you did not say or mean.

• Ignoring your requests (children)

These are just a few! The more you learn to spot and accurately name objectionable behaviour, the better you will be set up to challenge it. Setting the Boundary

Refer to the three point method above, and the abc in escalation: Remember, you must use your own push-backs and consequences.

• a. “Please do not interrupt me, you need to hear me out”. 

b ”You are continuing to interrupt me, if you continue this discussion is over. Now what's it to be? Will you listen or not?”.

c. 'Ok, discussion over. When you want to really hear what I have to say, contact me again”.

• a “You are raising your voice. Please do not do that”.

 b. “Lower your voice, I do not allow people to shout at me. If you do not lower your voice, this discussion is over. No what's it to be? Will you listen or not?”.

 c. 'Ok, discussion over. When you want to treat me with respect call me”.

• a. “You are now threatening me, I require you to stop that”.

 b. “If you don't stop I will be forced to take action”.

 c. Take the action to get safe... Call for help...

• a. “I don't want to be touched like that”. 

b. “I have warned you, now back off or I will call for help”. 

c. “OK, you have not listened, I am getting help”.

• a. “You are taking offence, but none wan meant. Why?”

 b. “Taking offence is not the answer is it, being offended by truth is always unproductive isn't it? Now, will you come off the defensive or not?” 

 c. “Our relationship cannot work if you continue to take offence so easily...”.

• a. “If you will not listen to me, where is this going do you think?” 

b. “If you will not listen to me, then our relationship will in danger. Will you listen or not” 

c. “Sorry, you refuse to listen to me …...{your consequence here}” (Be careful with this one, sometimes a person just needs cooling off time before they cal listen. This goes for other situations too).

• a. “You have broken your promise, how can I trust you in future?”

 b. “You don't seem to care about keeping your promise, that will leave me in a difficult position regarding our future relationship won't it”. 

c. “Your broken promise means I have decided to {your consequence here}”.

• a. “I just set a boundary, but you have ignored it. Why?” 

b. “If you do not respect my boundary right now the consequence will be {your consequence here}” 

c. Do it! {your consequence}

• a. “You are bring up the past again, why is that?” 

 b. “Your bringing up the past means you have not processed it / really forgiven / are bitter still. Please do not bring it up again / Do not use the past against me or our relationship will continue to be stalled / difficult / non- existent (etc)”. … 

c. “If you refuse to not deal with the past, I refuse to listen to it”.

• a. “Now you are playing a mind game by twisting my words to mean what I never said. Do not do that”. 

 b. “You must listen to what I am saying, and not the twisted things your mind thinks I am saying, or this conversation is over”. 

 c. “This conversation / relationship is over until you show serious regret for this behaviour”

Note to Counsellors. Did you find this language too much, rude?  Too confrontational? Do you teach your clients Life-Skills? I have found that most clients lack vital Life-Skills and this has been a considerable proportion of my work over the many years I have been counselling.   Client feedback has taught me that a huge proportion of counsellors are non-directive and will not teach.  Do not confuse rude with being firm. You too could be afraid of teaching (Indeed your modality may have trained you out of training your clients. If so get another modality because this one is an abandonment of your clients. They came to you in need and you didn't guide them and teach them the skills to stay safe!)